After having a grand time playing 'inFAMOUS', next up on my reviewing plate was a game that had my childhood heart pumping in excitement.

I mean, anyone who was a laaitie in the 1980s will have fond memories of playing with their G.I. Joe "action figurines" (the term was actually coined for these toys).

But talk about an express plummet to the pits of hell after having experienced the spectacular heights of gaming bliss that was 'inFAMOUS'!

Be warned: if you've read other reviews and it slapped more than a 5/10 sticker on this game's forehead, somebody's having a good old laugh at your expense. Because good, this most certainly isn't.

Oh it has its moments (which I'll get to in a moment) that do save 'G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra' from complete gaming death. But seriously, what's with the crappy game based on a movie nonsense that has raised its murderous head in the last couple of years?

Will developers ever stop making these quick money spinners that are utterly useless otherwise? Probably not because we gamers keep buying them, thinking this time the reviews are exaggerating it; this time we're not going to be disappointed. And in this case, we'll be wrong again.

[Deep breath... Exhale.]

But OK, let me paint the picture for you and let you decide for yourself.

Booting it up is promising enough thanks to the stylish EA logo and respectable welcome screen. But then you are treated to the first cut scene and the following internal dialogue begins:

"Uh-oh. It looks PSOne-ish."
"Nah man, give it a chance — it's G.I. Joe!"
"Dude, it's a game based on a movie..."
"Yeah, I know, but still, it's G.I. ... oh... the voice-overs sound a bit retarded..."
"This is what I'm saying."
"Did that chick just...?"
"Yup."
"OK, so we're going to rescue G.I. Joe's?"
"Yup."
"But that's just stupid!"
"Ubetcha."
"OK wait up, the gameplay looks like it's going to borrow from 'Gears of War'! Third-person duck-and-run-to-gun FTW!"
"Mmmm, yeah OK this could be fun... wait, what happened to my dude?"
"I think it's the camera... it seems to be locked in position regardless of where you move your dude."
"OK that's silly — I can't get this. Freaking. Oke. To. MOVE!"
"Pan! Pan! Enemies to your right!"
"I can't see them! My dude's in a blind spot! Oh for crying out loud!"
"Save and let's reload, maybe your dude will spawn in the open..."
"Can't. We have to finish the freaking mission before you can save."
"OK then let's load from the checkpoint..."
"And redo everything? No man, I'm rather going to kill myself — at least I'll then auto spawn next to my A.I. partner. Oh wait... no that's only on the Casual setting and we chose Hardcore... so I'll have to redo the mission if I die!"
"Yeah, that sucks... but... but, it's G.I. Joe!"
"Stuff it, I'll take you to the freaking store and buy you a G.I. Joe doll so you can have your nostalgic moment!"
"OK... I guess that is a better idea..."

I know, it's a bit melodramatic, but 'G.I. Joe' the game is just not good. It has seriously low production values, heaps of bugs, and confusing design choices (I mean, a fixed camera? Seriously?) Driving the vehicles can also be very disorientating thanks to the ridiculous camera.

So is it a foul-smelling, festering corpse from beginning to end?

Not if you're a fan of those old arcade machines with the red joysticks — and of the G.I. Joe toys of course. Naturally you'll experience a nostalgic trip if you played with the toys as a kid — and the gameplay will dredge up memories of playing on those old arcade machines with a mate in the local kafee while chewing a Wilson's toffee.

(If you know what I'm talking about, you will find some bursts of enjoyment in this game. If you don't... don't even think about laying hands on it. Maybe as a rental, but only maybe.)

In summary: Although it might not be the worst game of 2009 (I'm looking at you 'Damnation'), it's worse than 'Transformers 2' and the crappiest game I've played so far this year.

Even though it's G.I. Joe.

4.1/10

So what about the movie? Is that crappity-crap-crap too? Read our review and find out!

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